An essay on respect for male leaders in partner dancing 💃🕺 (Also: a metaphor if you want to have a great relationship with a man)
I gathered my thoughts on this for a while to make sure that I say what I really mean to say.
I’ve been partner dancing for 12 years, and more and more I’m hearing stories from West Coast communities about men who are becoming more afraid of being leaders and are sometimes leaving the community or *only* dancing with certain people who they trust. 
Leads are at times being objectified and other times being judged for behavior that makes follows feel uncomfortable/inappropriate while doing a dance that is intimate by design - especially dances like Zouk or Bachata.
I know of teachers who no longer come to the west coast specifically because they don’t feel safe teaching there and dancing with follows from there specifically. They either feel objectified, or they fear being reported for making somebody feel uncomfortable and then can’t relax because they are walking on eggshells trying to be careful to not upset anyone. In other communities, they find that it’s more normal that follows speak up for themselves and have conversations with their lead about how to dance better together.
When I’m talking about inappropriate, I’m not talking about grazing private parts which is obviously inappropriate, I’m talking about doing moves with too much strength or touching a follow’s arm, lower back, neck etc in a particular way that a follow feels uncomfortable with - in a dance where these body parts are used to lead, and where touch feeling good vs rough is a part of the goal.
Every follow receives touch differently and has different desires. Examples:
- Touch: To one follow, a touch on the arm can feel sensual and too much and to another feels so nice, respectful, soft and “gooey”(especially in dances like zouk or bachata).
- Strength: More strength and frame is better sometimes for a newer dancer whereas for someone else it is overbearing (I prefer a light lead and  sometimes I just melt myself to adjust the tension in my body or other times I will tell my leads this if I’m noticing that their strength and tension is making me at risk for injury).  I also know, advanced follows who love receiving a ton of energy, speed and frame, because it can be really fun if you know how to follow it. I love it too.
- Gaze: A certain look with the eyes 👀 can feel playful for one person and creepy to another (especially if they are somebody that you have unconscious prejudice about according to their level of experience, age, race, the way that they dress, etc.)
Showing up and being a lead is a risk every day. They are responsible for your safety and how good of a time you’re having. We need to give the leads a chance to learn and make it OK for them to make mistakes and to repair. Just like in any relationship they can’t grow if you aren’t honest with them.
There are some people who do have intention to take advantage, and if you have been taken advantage of I am so deeply sorry for that.
Thank goodness most people are not mal-intentioned.
Here are some graceful ways to give feedback:
- Could you please ______ (dance more gently with me)
- I don’t know if you meant to touch my _____, but you did and it made me really uncomfortable.
- do not do any ____ with me. I’m not OK with that. (E.g. head movement)
- I’m a beginner so please don’t do any _____ with me.
And if the lead that you were dancing with, cannot hear or not respect what you are communicating, then it’s a good time to escalate it to a teacher who can assist or an authority (police if appropriate). But if you report somebody without having a basic honest conversation about your preferences, you are missing out on an opportunity to show up with love, honesty, and personal power.
If there is a particular lead that you are hot for, be mindful of not objectifying them in the same way that you are afraid of being objectified. Sometimes I’ll see ladies lining up like they’re waiting to stick a quarter in and ride the carnival ride lol 🎠. 😆 they are human beings. 🙏
We need to create a safe environment where leads can feel free to make mistakes, be corrected, and have an opportunity to adjust.
Partner Dance is a beautiful, healing, soul enlivening exchange. Every dance is like a three minute relationship. Are you a safe person to be in relationship with?
With a desire for intimacy comes responsibility. Leads that we entrust our bodies with to dance intimately deserve our honest communication as well.
So often we concern ourselves with safety for the follows, but the problem is that the leads set the frame, and so if they don’t feel safe and respected, then none of us are safe.
I’m open to any questions. I think this issue is exacerbated in communities that are super competitive.
Effective communication would be a great thing for dance studios to be teaching as a part of their curriculum - if they aren’t already. If we’re gonna social dance, we need to know how to be social and communicate with each other.
If you have something to say, say it to their face. And if you need help knowing how to bring something up with somebody reach out to a teacher and ask or you can bring it to me personally in my inbox. I coach people on leadership & effective communication professionally.
Leading and following is an art that is fundamentally about safety and respect first, and then about good connection & communication and then about fun on top of that. It’s a layered cake to be enjoyed, with respect for all cooks in the kitchen.
🍰
With love, Megan Taylor
Life, Leadership & Business Coach (and dancer / former dance teacher
Want to stop overthinking and feel more confident and relaxed as a leader or a follower? Book a free consult with Megan Taylor.
@MeganWTaylor on Instagram
For therapy related to dance trauma, I’m referring out to Alli Douglas
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